What to say when someone passes away…
When an acquaintance loses a loved one, what do you say? When you see them at work, in the grocery store, reunion? What about attending a visitation or service? Knowing what to say and what not to say to someone who has experienced loss can be nerve-racking. Here is the bottom line: take a minute and consider the loss to you.
Take a minute and THINK, what did the person mean to you? How are you at a loss? What did you love, admire, and respect about them? What did their relationship mean to you? The answers to these questions will give you the statements to make: “He was my friend” “I owe him my thanks” “She helped me through a difficult time” “She was the one I went to at work for help/ answers” “He was a servant leader” “Selfless” “Admired their parenting” Articulate special qualities, shared experiences, specific memories, lessons taught, blessings received. As you can see, this takes some thinking on your part prior to seeing your friend.
If you didn’t know the person, what are you “sorry” for? What does the loss look like from your vantage point? Your friends’ loneliness, challenges, questions, routine, roles? “He was your partner” “She was your spouse for 40 years” “You will miss her thoughtfulness” “Presence” “Advice”
What not to say: Anything that minimizes the loss or the reality of death. “They aren’t suffering anymore” “They lived a long life” “Heaven gained” “It must have been their time” “God was ready, or called them” “You are strong” Now these thoughts may well be true and your friend may speak them, you can agree, affirm these truths or others, but don’t lead with them.
Show up! Time and time again grieving families talk about who showed up. Not what was said. Words aren’t the most important thing. TLC: tender loving care… how about Time, Listen, Care. Show up, use few words, and genuinely care/ empathize. Words reveal your empathy. Be honest. If you aren’t sorry (some people can’t empathize) don’t say anything, don’t try to fake it, don’t try to mirror it just show up. Your presence alone will help more than empty words.
If you say, “You are in my thoughts” then you had better show that you have done some thinking regarding their loss. “Let me know if you need anything” how about already thinking about what they will need and offering it up front? Watching kids, providing rides, shopping, yard work, meals, oil changes, house cleaning, etc… “I will be calling soon to see how you are doing” follow through, and write yourself a reminder.
Knowing the right words can be stressful, but you can’t go wrong if you take the time to think. Chances are your experiences, observations and lessons are unique to your relationship and the family would be greatly encouraged and strengthened to hear the impact their loved one had on you.
~ SCOTT BURDICK
Life Story Funeral Director
scott@heritagelifestory.com